OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
