Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
