Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
