I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
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