Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
