the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Randomize
