I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
