the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
