You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
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