You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Randomize
