I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
