Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
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