also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
you are never too drunk for berry picking
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Randomize
