Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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