This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
