you didnt know i had herpes?
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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