Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Randomize
