my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Randomize
