Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
