my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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