I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
