You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
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