Its only 8 and she is already passed out
Perfect here is wht u do. Gently slip your index middle and ring finger into her butt hole but gently u dont wnt to wake her..let me know when ur ready for step 2
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
