Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
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