she woke up with a sticky ear
i wonder if she gts uncomfortable walkin bu when she knows we all know what her pussy tastes like
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
