I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
you had me at cake vodka
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Randomize
