Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
