so... another position just opened up(704) Oh really?(704) Is it John's?(704) Or did you find a new way to take a penis?
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Randomize
