She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
