Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
