I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
She announced her abortion via fbk
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
