I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
