whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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