her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
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