I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
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