Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I wish there were birth control emojis
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
