I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Randomize
