dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Randomize
