The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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