I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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