If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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