You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
