Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
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