I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Randomize
