i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
