I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
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