If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Randomize
