Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Randomize
