One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
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