Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
You are the jesus of drinking
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
