You don't have asthma, your pregnant
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
