he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
