a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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