Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
